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what the hell am i doing with myself. sometimes i really wish i could see what i really want. like exactly what i want in my life and then i can just go for it. right now i'm shooting in the dark. and more often than not, the ricochet or fragments end up hitting me.

what the fuck? seriously, what the fuck am i doing?

I've decided that I would love to air all of my dirty laundry to people. Tell all the crazy things that have happened to me thus far. I'm not exactly proud of them, but hey...if it gets me a little publicity, perhaps some money, I'd be game to jump on board. Anything is possible.

Spent the night at Denny's with Justin. That was cool. There was a nerd convention there, as Justin described it. I was then thinking to myself, "Justin used to call Adam a nerd" when Justin said "I'm surprised Adam isn't here". Haha, we love Adam, but he definitely wouldn't have fit in with that group. They were D&D, hes more Magic

Old dudes keep messaging me. I wanna date somebody in my age range. I mean within 3-4 years. Not 15-20. *sigh* When ya have a good thing, it always just blows up in your face. Damn you Ryan lol. Oh well...we'll see how things go.

JCope gave me a great idea for a job for the weekends and shit. Love that kid dude. Call center...whoever would have thought. Oh well...I need to get a little bit of sleep. Toodles.

Let's see if I can use this as an outlet. I've been on a downward spiral for a little while now. I have just been able to hide it pretty well. Every now and then I go a little bit crazy. I assume people are out to get me and I react as if they are. But mostly I'm tired and worn out. I haven't had a break in a long long time. I'm just not sure how much longer I can deal with some of this stuff. I'm dealing some things better than before. Like I'm ok with not talking to and seeing Ryan every night the way things where with previous guys. Ryan doesn't understand why I like him. Well first off, he's smart. I often feel like he is smarter than me. Not that it is a bad thing. I actually like having a guy who I feel is more intelligent than me. Then I feel like I will learn something from them. He is cute too. When I tell him that, I dont think he really buys it, but its true. He's also very nice and makes me feel good. Like somebody actually can appreciate me for everything I am. So things are going well with that. I'm very happy about that too. I really hope things work out with him.

However, thats just about the ONLY thing going well for me. Last weekend I was suicidal. It was the first time in a while, like years. I just felt like nobody cared. Nobody made any effort and I felt like my problems were not as important as the other things going on in the lives of my friends. I mean, Kelly took me to see fireworks. I'm being totally serious when I say she probably saved my life. Or in the very least, she saved me from some nasty looking wounds I probably would have inflicted upon myself. I love Kelly to death. She is always there for me when I need it. I just dont think it is fair that she always has to be the one to pick up my pieces. It would be nice for some others to step up and help me out. I did have a few people get kinda upset that I didnt call them. Those 2 dudes are cool too. They are in the Kelly category.

I'm really tired of the drama going on with Jess and Erica. They are always bickering about something and it is just wearing me down. I try to tune out the fighting and arguing but sometimes it feels like I am just doing my own thing because I tune out the majority of the night. I feel awkward standing in the middle of it because I dont want to choose a side and I certainly dont want to listen to them bitching about whatever they are arguing about. I just want it to end. Part of me wants to put distance for that reason. But I dont want to cut out my friends either. Who knows.

To top it off, my mom is having another surgery. And we arent sure if her tumor is cancerous or not. I guess we will get those results back within a week or so maybe? And my grandma got sick and went to the ER. While she was in the hospital she ended up having a heart attack. Like, there is just so much going on. Work is long and stressful everyday. I deal with the same tantrums everyday. I feel like as soon as we begin to make progress, regression sets in. I mean, dont get me wrong, I really do love my main case, and my client. But its hard sometimes. Ive never been in the sun this much, ever. And the heat makes me sick sometimes. Put tantrums on top of that and it stresses me out. Its why I just veg out when I get home, or I fall asleep at 9pm.

Speaking of sleep, I should probably get some. Although I did take a nap on accident. Oh well, I will read. Toodles.

last night i held death in my hand. i glimpsed my future demise and felt a rush a life. i have found my place, my home.

so i'm reading a pretty cool book about a year straight of addiction, music, super fucked up relationships, and enough home remedies to create your own drugs to make me an official scientist. its just one more of those things that make rockstars seem so much more interesting than regular people. the fact of the matter is that nobody tells them that they are doing too much drugs. nobody mentions the fact that 4 guys could empty a liquor store over the course of 3 nights. nobody brings up the numbers in terms of bed buddies. the difference between me and them...they have a higher tolerance for drugs and alcohol which is due to years of experience that come with age.

speaking of drugs...my internship gives drug tests. while its been a while since i have done anything that people would disapprove of...its still a little disheartening. i miss those old days. there really isnt anything quite like spending a night with that group. you wake up in the morning and feel like you actually accomplished something in the week. however, the only accomplishment was spending money, forgetting various experiences and situations, and making a total ass of yourself. but still...that group just made all the wrong things feel like it was completely right. haha.

but basically things are going well. i hosted a visitor who was amazing. he is currently away on business. made some comment about using his business account to get prostitutes. i asked him to lemme know how they are and he asked if i really thought he would get hookers rather than talk to me. i dunno. i imagine sex is more exciting than talking to me lol. then i made a comment that somehow twisted the conversation into me not being over my ex. haha. poor kid worries too much. so i wonder if he likes me. i mean, if i didnt have feelings for somebody, i wouldnt get upset that they may still having feelings for their ex.

then he was talking about some dude slapping him last weekend. i said to tell people his girlfriend beat him and he said he would tell people his girlfriend in pitt was tossing him around. excuse me...are you referring to me? lol. and hes gonna pay for part of my trip to baltimore to see him next weekend. i guess that means he likes me. so thats nice. i like him too. i always said i wouldnt and it was nothing and all that. he was the one to break me of that. i am broken and its all his fault. and i'm so happy for that. even as a friend, he's great. he said hes gonna be my anti-depressant pill. i think thats a great idea. :)

after all, we're only human. always fighting what we're feeling. hurt instead of healing. after all we're only human, is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin?